A little whine of my own.

What's wrong with me today? Has it really been that bad of a day? Have the kids really been that hard to deal with? Or have they just been normal kids? Why do I feel like such a crappy mom tonight and like I really dislike my kids right now? God that is so hard to write.

Keithen is on one of his marathon homework avoidance sessions tonight. This stuff would take me 15 minutes per night if he'd just DO IT. His copywork last night looked so great. Daddy read Harry Potter to him while he worked and somehow that helped. Well, Mommy just doesn't have the time or energy for that most of the time. Maybe I should try it, but you know what, I want him to just focus on it and DO IT. Why is it that hard? Why does it take so much work on everyone else's part to get him to work?

Kaylee and Ruby have been whiney and fussy and needy today and I really just needed some time to myself. I even told Ruby "no" today once when she asked to nurse. :( It broke her heart. :( And that broke mine. :( Since she's my last nursling, setting limits with her is just too hard. I want her to nurse forever and ever...but today I just needed a break. Maybe I'm just hormonal today...I noticed I was starting to break out a bit yesterday.

I have to make an effort to take the time to enjoy my kids more often. I get too caught up in life I guess...laundry, appointments, the huge mess they make that *I* have to clean up, all that stuff. But then again, I am also SICK of not being listened too. Sick of having to say things ten times. Sick of having to count 1-2-3 to see someone move when I ask them to do something. Sick of Kaylee being sneaky and lying to me. Sick of 6.5 years of not being able to go to bed and stay in bed with just my husband and no one else who wants to maul my face, kick me in the back or nurse for hours on end coming to climb in bed with me.

I need to take time tonight to remember why I love my kids. Why it's all worth it. Why I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Why I'd die for them and kill anyone who ever tried to hurt them. Why I need to be a better mother to them.

I so envy the women I know who come by gentle discipline naturally. I hate the struggle that I go through in order to know how to parent my children...how to discipline them...how to talk to them. Sometimes things come out of my mouth and I think, "Did I really just say that to my child!?" Something that makes so much sense shouldn't be such a struggle. I'm sure my inconsistencies and temper have screwed them up on so many levels already. I've yelled at all of them in such a way today that makes me want to just go curl up in a corner and sob. When they made mistakes today, why couldn't I show them the respect they deserve?

I've got so much on my mind tonight. I'm worrying about the new moms I've helped with their nurslings lately. I'm worrying about the thyroid tests that I'm having done in the morning and how I'm going to handle two very energetic young ladies first thing in the morning all by myself while I'm in the process of getting an ultrasound done. I'm worrying about money and how long it will be before we are out of this crackerbox of a house. Most of all, I'm feeling very much imperfect and undeserving of the three amazing blessings that have been placed in my keeping. I must do better by them.